From: wayne&wayne@darlington.com
Subject: Save Greasy Lake!!~~A Week at the RNC!!

Wayne and I had been in the City of Philadelphia for a week prior to the start of the Republican Convention. We wanted a chance to take in some of the local sights and get a feel for the city. We also took the opportunity to get to know the group we were there to cover; the "Save Greasy Lake Coalition." We were surprised at the friendliness of the city residents, especially the ladies along Broad Street, and we spent most of the week sampling the local delicacies, scrapple and cheesesteaks. We were really surprised! You could even drink the wooder!

There were a lot of protest groups in town. Most of them had just got in from the "Ruckus Society's" protest camp in Malibu. They go there to learn how to play dead when the cops come to get them. The list of groups was amazing! It included:



The "Save Greasy Lake" Coalition
The Society Devoted to the Abolition of Goat Milk
People for the Ethical Treatment of Rats and other Rodents
Save the Greyhounds
Society to Prevent the Abuse of the Average White Male
Transgendered Americans Need Cuddling Too
The Young Suburban Slightly Unwashed Youths Against Everything
The Sisters of the Second Amendment
The Stop Abortion/Start the Executions Society of America
The Multi-Cultural Council to De-emphasize the Role of the Anglo-Saxon European Male
Pension Benefits for Houswives Council
The "Free All Copkillers" Organization
Pissed Off Bruce Fans Who Didn't Hear Rosie Supper Club

There was a lot of tension in town. Protest organizers had told the press, "If we can't get a thousand peaceful protestor's asses whopped in Philly this week, we just ain't doin' our job!!" Local residents, known for bombarding Santa Clause with snowballs during a recent football game, were not exactly a resevoir of sympathy for the average "sign toter".

Putting all the logistic problems aside, me and Wayne did some background work on our group members and the issue of Greasy Lake. It actually is called Lake Shenandoah, and it's located in Ocean County Park, on Route 88 in Lakewood. It's in the black area of town, and was always referred to as bein' " a mile down on the darkside of Route 88." All the kids called it Greasy Lake, due to the scum that formed on the top of it from the ducks. It was always a popular hangout for generations of Freehold teenagers. It appears now that the State of New Jersey, utilizing federal funding, is planning on fencing in the area, and creating a gated community of golf courses and condominiums. And that's why Crazy Janey, Mission Man, Wild Billy, G-Man, Hazy Davey and Killer Joe were in Philly. They came to put a stop to the plans the state had to desecrate ground that they considered sacred.

Wayne and me were impressed by their commitment, though Wayne appeared to be much more impressed by the "Second Amendment Sisters", a set of twins from Ohio, who looked suspicously familiar. They told us they were there to protest the fact that there was just about nothing to protest about. They were card-carrying Republicans and had that "well scrubbed, suburban, I own a running bra and don't spit on the sidewalk look." More about them later!

Crazy Janey was the first of the group arrested by the police. She ran into the Liberty Bell Pavillion and painted scenes from Bruce's career on the bell. She was carried away amidst her muffled cries of "Save the Lake"! Having lost their leader the group decided to slow down and take another look at their strategy. They had to get their message out and couldn't accomplish that from inside a jail cell. They decided that in the greatest traditions of Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Cesar Chavez, they would engage in non-violent and non-destructive civil disobedience. That's when Mission Man became a legend in his own time by facing down an entire platoon of police officers. In the best traditions of our forefathers, he approached the line of police and began singing the words to "The Ghost of Tom Joad". Though most of the spectators left at this point to use the restrooms, those of us who stayed had tears in our eyes as he bellowed out

"Wherever there's somebody fightin' for a place to stand
Or a decent job or a helpin' hand
Wherever's somebody's strugglin' to be free
Look in their eyes Ma, you'll see me"

The police officers, apparently also Bruce fans, responded with the chorus from "You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch").


Mission Man wisely backed off and decided to retreat to the safety of the returning crowd. It was right about this time that the "Pissed Off Bruce Fans Who Didn't Hear Rosie Supper Club" decided to get into the act. They began a rampage through center city streets, overturning dumpsters to the chants of "Liberate You"!! "Confiscate You"!!! "I'm Coming to Lend a Hand!" At this point, the police, quickly tiring of Bruce music, did a perfect 400 part harmony of Bobby Fuller's "I Fought the Law, and the Law Won!" The Rosie fans also decided to surrender the turf they had gained and retreat to the safety of the sidewalks.

It was at this point that strategic planning paid off for the Greasy Lakers. They knew they had to get inside the convention hall to make their plight known to George Dubayew. Killer Joe created a diversion by facing down the contingent of Mounted Police, and holding them at bay, while G-Man and Missy Bimbo climbed atop a fountain in Logan Square to draw the attention of the remaining police. The plan went off like clockwork and will forever be spoken of in the annals of civil disobedience. The rest of the group headed for the First Union Center.



On our way to First Union, we again met up with the Second Amendment Sisters, who along with a large group of sympathizers, were protesting the closing of a South Philly Cinnamon Bun Bakery. It was not a pretty scene, as the crowd was getting out of hand and precipitated a huge police response. There is nothing uglier than women being denied the right to eat cinnamon buns. The police were not about to give in though, there are some issues that you're willing to go to the wall for, and both sides were worked up and I anticipated even uglier scenes to come. It was at that moment I realized that the Second Amendment Sisters were actually Darleen and Darlotta, the twin sisters from Cleveland. The same twins who had ditched Wayne and I in Harlem, and stolen our backstage passes at MSG. I knew then that we were in for some serious problems. The Greasy Lakers immediately got caught up in the cinna bun issue and forgot what their original purpose had been. All attention was now focused on the large crowd that had gathered, as thousands of residents poured into the streets. It seemed as if the entire Philly Police Force had also responded. Things were getting very crazy, and it didn't help matters when I realized that Wayne had climbed up the side of the bakery wall, gotten inside, and was now tossing cinnamon buns to the screaming crowd below.

Realizing that a full scale riot was only moments away, I did what any responsible citizen would deem it their duty to do, and supplied the nearest Police Officer with the names and photo of the rabble's leaders, the aforementioned Darleen and Darlotta. They were immediately arrested, cinnamon buns still stuffed in their mouths. The crowd, seeing the arrest of their leaders, became demoralized and began to drift away. Feeling some remorse, which was quickly dissipated by the memory of the nickname "SweetCheeks", which has been bestowed on me by that Harlem streetcorner gang on 7-1-2000, I watched pensively as Darleen and Darlotta were carted off to jail. I also noticed that the evidence, 4500 cinnamon buns, was placed in the same police wagon that they were being transported in. I am sure, that in spite of their gleeful smiles, they learned a cold hard lesson. Cinnamon buns are a privelege! Not a right! And their ill advised attempt at anarchy, not only resulted in their arrest, but will likely cause the destruction of Greasy Lake, and all it stands for!! What an ugly burden to have to carry!

Demoralized and sad, pensive and reflective, and weary of the clamoring of protestor's pleas, Wayne and I headed back to our hotel. We had seen more than enough of the City of Brotherly Love. We wanted to head back to NYC where things made sense. Night was falling upon Philadelphia, and we vacantly stared at a passing boat parade on the river. We uttered not a sound, reluctant to destroy the beauty of the quiet around us, perplexed and confused, but not dispirited. Wayne finally broke the silence when he asked me, "Do ya think Bruce really boffed that Lynn Goldsmith chick??
See ya soon!!!

Until then!!
ROCK ON!!!

Wayne&Wayne



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